Relief
by Alex Redstone
Summary: Set in season 8, just after Kate's sister visits NCIS. Her visit stirs up lots of emotions and memories in Tony. "He wasn't afraid of death. Never had been. At least not since his Mom died, anyway. No, what scared him was that when he was at his weakest, when he was sure there was no way he could survive the next coughing fit, the only emotion he felt was relief. "
1. Prologue

A/N: This story will be set in Season 8, just after Kate's sister visits NCIS. It will deal with Tony's reaction to her presence, bringing back old feeling from when Kate died, as well as issues with people from later (Jeanne, Paula, etc). Definitly lots of Angst H/C and Papa Gibbs. I have the first few chapter outlined and written, and the whole story planned out. I plan to update every other day or so.  
I would love lots of constructive criticism. I know we don't see a lot of comforting Gibbs in the show, but I plan to keep their voices as real as possible, and to stick to canon.

****Prologue/Flashback****

Everyone thought he had been scared, laying under those blue lights, the plague and the resulting pneumonia trying to destroy his lungs. And they were right, he had been scared. Terrified even. But not for the reasons they all assumed. He wasn't afraid of death. Never had been. At least not since his mom died, anyway. No, what scared him was that when he was at his weakest, when he was sure there was no way he could survive the next coughing fit, the only emotion he felt was relief.

Relief. Relief that he was finally getting what he deserved. Relief that he was finally done fighting. Relief that no one would have to deal with his useless ass anymore – he couldn't even open a an envelope without risking the lives of his team.

That thought scared him more than anything. He knew he was supposed to want to live, supposed to want to fight. He was supposed to want to make a difference, help others, that is, after all why he had become a cop, why he had joined NCIS. That is why he was so relieved (real, positive relief) when Gibbs marched into his blue prison and ordered him to live, forcing him to make the choice he knew he was supposed to make, even if he didn't particularly want to.

He had won that fight. He pushed the fearful feeling of relief back into the darkest recess of his mind and returned to work a week early. Then Kate. Poor, sweet, Kate. Why couldn't it have been him? He was the one that had been HAPPY when he was sure he was gonna die. He didn't care if he lived for died...but he was sure Kate did. Kate would want to live. He should have protected her. Just like he should have followed procedure for opening the damn envelope.


	2. The Rest of the Day

A/N: back in season 8, right after Kate's sister visits NCIS

Chapter 1 –The rest of the day.

Tony watched the elevator doors closed and the lift slowly took away the psychologist...Kate's sister. He silently kicked himself for not realizing who she was immediately, but then they didn't actually look all that much alike. He shook his head to chase away the thoughts of his momentary lack of observation skills, and let his mind settle on his former partner. Ziva was down in Abby's lab, and Tony found himself imagining Kate sitting at her desk, Kate joking around with him, ribbing on McGee, Kate yelling at him for going through her personal belongings _again. _His mind wondered to all the cases they shared...there were so many, but ultimately, way too few. His mind flashed to Ari, the man responsible for why there were so few, and he felt his anger building again, but quickly shoved it back down – his anger wouldn't change anything, and Ari was already dead.

He was broken from his revere by a very loud and annoyed, "DiNozzo!"

By the tone, Tony could tell it was not the first attempt to get his attention, but he decided to ignore that fact. His eyes snapped back into focus on his very irate boss now standing about an inch from his desk. Plastering on his best megawatt smile he replied, "What can I do for you boss?"

"Quit daydreaming -" Tony had the gall to look indignant at the accusation, his eyes flashing a wall practiced mix of confusion and innocence. Before he had a chance to respond Gibbs continued, "And go restock the van before we get another call. We are starting to run low on supplies."

Still ignoring how close his boss was standing and his obvious anger, Tony jumped to his feet and bounced off toward the elevator, "On it, Boss!". He could feel his boss' eyes boring into his back while he waited for the elevator, but he chose to ignore it.

The moment the elevator doors closed, Tony dropped the fake smile and took a deep breath. Kate's sister's visit was affecting him more than he wanted to admit. Hell he had zoned out in the squad room,in front of Gibbs! _Get it together, Anthony! _He scolded himself, _Gibbs is gonna read right through you if you don't get it together! _He got down to the garage and set about restocking the van, hoping to chase the thoughts and memories away.

Gibbs was a worried. He knew Kate's sister being there had stirred up a lot of his own feelings and memories about Kate, but he had come to terms with her death. He wasn't so sure about his Senior Field Agent. Sure, Tony often goofed off and avoided work, but he rarely was so distracted that he wouldn't respond to his own name being called. He hoped having him restock the van would give him a few moments to collect his thoughts and clear his mind. He had known Tony a long time, though, and knew that it would probably take a lot more work than that. Gibbs resolved himself to keep a close eye on his second in command, and look for any signs he was struggling. _God knows he wouldn't ask for help._

Tony was grateful for the brief distraction as he mindlessly restocked the van. _Gibbs probably realized that..._ he groaned to himself. Sometimes he really hated how good his boss was at reading his needs – it meant he wasn't hiding them as well as he intended.

_Or maybe he just assumed I would be falling apart. Assumed that I would need a break. Weak, emotional DiNozzo, not able to deal with visit from his dead partner's sister. _He started slamming the supplies into the drawers in the van, his anger desperate for a outlet.

His anger was tempered when Rule 3 flashed across his mind: Never Assume. He knew Gibb's lived by the rules, and if his boss had sent him down here because he thought he needed the distraction and the space, then it wouldn't have been an assumption. Annoyed with himself for letting his mask slip so far, he took a deep calming breath, and headed back up the bull pen.

It had only taken him about 20 minutes to restock, and when he returned he noticed that Ziva was now back at her desk as well. _Kate's desk. _Tony shook his head at the thought, and continued back to his, quickly balling it up and tossing it at McGee who seemed very enthralled in whatever geeky thing he was doing. He grinned at the glare Tim shot him, and sat back down at his computer and pretended to read emails. He could feel Gibbs watching him, but ignored it.

"Alright, go home, get some rest. See you all back here at 0700," Gibb's voice cut through the silence.

Tony glanced at the clock, only 1645, but he wasn't going to question it. Quickly grabbing his things, he high-tailed it to the elevator, "Later, boss!" he yelled over his shoulder as got on the lift. He wanted nothing more than to go home and forget Kate's sister ever showed up, and push all the emotions and memories back into the dark recess from which they came.

Gibb's watched his Senior Field Agent leave, barely pausing to say bye. He knew pushing Tony to open up would never work. So for now he was willing to let Tony cope on his own, but would watch for signs he was failing.

Kate's sister's presence had been hard on all of them, and he hoped the early evening would help them all relax, but he knew from personal experience, that one's demons are often much harder to deal with in the night.


	3. First Night

A/N Sorry for the delay, real life got in the way. Tonight/Tomorrow is supposed to be a big snow-storm here, so I will likely get tomorrow off. If I do, I definitely will get another chapter up tomorrow. If not, it will be up Friday.

Chapter 2

Tony sped home, trying desperately to outrun the onslaught of memories Rachel's visit had triggered. The moment he walked in his front door, he made his way over to his bookshelf and picked him his favorite framed picture. It was at the crime scene of one of the last cases they worked together before he got the plague. He was standing, notebook in hand, huge grin on his face. She was standing next to him, eyes alight with laughter. _God, she was beautiful, _he found his mind saying.

She was very beautiful. But she was so much more than that. She was smart, strong, and willful. She was the sister he never had. She challenged him. She made him laugh. She made him angry. And more than that, he could make her laugh. _I wish I remembered what I said that day. _ He stared at the picture a few more minutes, trying to remember, before slamming it down in frustration.

"I need a drink," he announced to his empty apartment, as we walked off towards the kitchen. He pulled out his bottle of bourbon and poured himself a generous shot. He inhaled the warm aroma, and immediately felt nauseous. He hadn't drunk much since he got back from his time as agent afloat.

Tony grimaced and downed the shot, before emptying the rest of the bottle down the drain. He would not succumb to alcohol the way he had after Jenny's death. _Great, now I am thinking about her too. _He hadn't lied to Ziva back on the Seahawk when she had asked if he was still blaming himself for Director Shepherd's death; he really wasn't doing so as much, but he still did plenty. _The one time I actually listen to orders_…

He grabbed a soda from the fridge and sat down on the couch, flipping channels on his television until he came across a college basketball game. Hitting mute, Tony let his mind wonder. He had lost a lot of people in his life, a good portion just while being at NCIS: Kate, Paula, Jeanne, Jenny. He had already spent all day thinking about Kate, so he let his mind drift to the others.

Paula and he had never worked out, though when he really thought about it, he really did love her. He just couldn't admit, not even to himself. _I wish I could have told her before she entered that building, let her know that it had all really meant something to me._ At least he had taken her advice and told Jeanne how he really felt.

_Fucking idiot._ It was stupid to fall for a mark, but he had. Hard. And while she might not be dead, he had lost her just as much as he had lost the others. Maybe even worse, since it was absolutely, 100% his own damn fault, no other outside factors involved.

Sighing in frustration he turned his attention back to the game, and quickly started to doze off.

"_Tony!" he heard his name being called from a distance. He glanced around him, trying to figure out his surroundings. It looked like an office building, but had long since be abandoned. It looked ready to collapse any moment. _

"_Tony, hurry!" the voice called more desperately. It sounded like it was coming from above him, so he walked forward through a door marked "roof access" and climbed his way up. With each step, the staircase seemed to grow in length and the voice got more and more desperate. "Please, Tony! Hurry! Help!"_

_He suddenly recognized the voice, "Kate! I am coming, just hold on!" He started sprinting up the never ending staircase, and after what felt like hours of hearing her desperate cries he made it to the top. _

"_Tony, please, you have to save me! You can't let me die!" Kate's voice begged. Tony ripped the room access door open, just as a single crisp shot rang out, silencing Kate's cries. He stepped onto the roof, just in time to see Kate's lifeless body hit gravel rooftop. _

"_You're too late" her voice seemed to come from everywhere. "Why didn't you save me? Why didn't you get here faster?"_

"NO! KATE!" Tony woke screaming. He looked around wildly before his senses returned and he recognized his apartment. The clock on the wall indicated it was 0300. Shaking off the remnants of the dream, Tony got up to take a shower. _Might as well go into work early, finish up paper work. Not like I am going to be able to go back to sleep tonight. _

Tony pulled into the Navy Yard at 4:15am. He greeted the night guard, Steve Michaels, and made his way up to the bull pen. He hoped Michaels wouldn't mention to Gibbs what time he had gotten in. No need to make Gibbs worry more. He booted up his computer, and got to work catching up on paperwork. They had been very busy with new cases lately, and he was a few months behind. _At least this should keep me busy until everyone else gets here._

About an hour into his work he was startled by an unexpected voice. "Anthony, my dear boy, what are you doing here so early?" Ducky asked.

"Geeze, Ducky, you startled me. I didn't hear the elevator ding, " Tony sidestepped the question, and ignored Ducky's surprised and concerned glance at his admission to being startled.

"Well that would be because I took the stairs this morning. Exercise is very important. In fact, I was reading a study just the other evening about the long term effects-"

"That's great Ducky, but I really need to finish this paperwork before Gibbs gets in…" Tony interrupted politely.

"Oh,yes, of course, my boy," Ducky paused to look closely at the young man before him. "Come see me later today if you get a free moment," He added before turning and walking back towards the stairs, without giving the younger man a chance to respond.

Tony nodded after him and hoped he had imagined the concerned tone in his voice. _I will have to make time to go see him, or he will tell Gibbs he is worried._

Exactly 45 minutes later, Tony had completely caught up on paper work. Glancing at the clock he saw it was 6:00am. _Gibbs normally gets in about 6:30, just enough time to crazy-glue McGeek's phone, and fill his desk with balloons!_ He hoped the chaos of an annoying prank would anger Gibbs enough to keep him off his back about how he is feeling today.


	4. Wayward

A/N: Sorry for the long delay, real life got in the way a bit, and I have had barely a free moment. Things have calmed down again now though, so should be able to get back into this. Rating is still T, but there is some strong language.

Chapter 3:

Tony pulled the super glue out of the its secret hiding spot underneath his desk drawer, and glancing around just to be sure Gibbs wasn't somehow right behind him (the man had a crazy way of just showing up at the worst possible time), he quickly glued the phone into the cradle. Next he pulled a bag of balloons out of the middle drawer of his filing cabinet and began blowing them up as quickly as he could. It was slow going though, his plague-scarred lungs protesting the strain, causing a deep ache in his chest.

_Come on, DiNozzo, you filled an entire dorm room quicker than this back in college! Fucking plague. _ Letting out a frustrated sigh, he decided just filling one drawer would be enough, and quickly moved to fill the knee-drawer of McGee's desk

Tony was just sitting back down at his own desk when he heard the ding of the elevator. He made a show of pressing the button on his monitor, and settling into his desk to appear as if he had only arrived moments before.

"You're here early DiNozzo," Gibbs observed, using a tone that demanded a explanation.

"Yeah, Boss, just walked in, wanted to get a head start on the paper work. Set a good example for McGeek and Ziva, " Tony replied easily, not exactly lying.

Gibbs grunted in response, and Tony wasn't sure if Gibbs believed him or not. At the moment though, he didn't much care, as he focused on breathing deeply, and easing the ache in his lungs before he had coughing fit that would definitely worry Gibbs.

_Stupid, DiNozzo! Stupid plague. Stupid lungs. _ A few deep breathes later, Tony felt the he ache subside, and pretended to be focused on the "paper work" in front of him. – ignoring fact he could feel his boss studying him. His mind wondered though, now that he was out of work, and he found himself watching the clock, hoping McGee would arrive soon and provide a distraction.

"Got a hot date, DiNozzo?" Gibb's asked, after seeing Tony look at the clock for the fifth time in as many minutes.

Tony looked away from the clock and back at Gibbs sheepishly. "No, Boss. Sorry, I just need some coffee," he replied as he got up and made his way to the break room.

As soon as Tony was out of sight, Gibbs quickly made his way over to this senior field Agent's desk. He knew Tony had been lying when he said he had just gotten there; he had parked right next to his Mustang, and the engine had been cool, and his jacket and other personal affects were already put away – never mind the fact his agent looked tired as hell. Judging by the currently open files on the computer, Tony had been here quite awhile – having caught up on all paper work, and even pulled the files for a few cold cases.

He knew having Kate's sister here had been hard on everyone, and it didn't surprise him that Tony hadn't gotten much sleep last night and had come back to work at some ungodly hour. Usually though, when Tony knew events were going to hit him hard, he ended up at Gibbs' place with a pizza and a six-pack. Gibbs would work on the boat, Tony would ramble on about anything and everything until he was comfortable enough to really talk, or until he was so exhausted he collapsed on the couch. In fact, the only times Tony didn't show up, were times that he felt he was at fault, or had failed somehow.

_Does he still think he should have been able to save Kate? _Gibbs wondered. Moving quickly, so DiNozzo wouldn't know he had been snooping, Gibbs returned to his desk. Thinking back to all the nights Tony had showed up in his basement following Kate's death, and the talks they had had, he was pretty sure Tony wasn't blaming himself. They had both come to realize there was nothing either of them could have done. _Then what is going on, DiNozzo_ ?

Tony returned to the bullpen, coffee in hand, to find Gibbs sitting at his desk deep in thought. Just as he was about to make a quip about thinking too hard, the elevator dinged signaling the arrival of McGee and Ziva.

"Morning, McGeek, Ziva," Tony sing-songed overly cheerily.

Recognizing the mischievous tone McGee eyed Tony wearily before sitting down at his desk, "Morning, Tony."

"Yes, good morning, Tony. You are in quite a good mood this morning, did you wake up with a woman this morning?"

" Awww, are you jealous, Zee-Vah?"

"Of you, Tony? Ha. I happen to find being in a relationship a lot more enjoyable than empty sex," she responded with an air of superiority.

Tony turned to McGee and in a stage whisper, "She's jealous!"

Ziva glared at Tony for a moment over her computer monitor before settling into rolled his eyes and settled in to get caught up on paperwork before they got their next case. Tony turned back to the cold case he had been studying before Gibbs arrived, and waited for the phone to ring, or for McGee to get something from his desk drawer.

An hour later, Tony had turned up no new clues on the cold case, and McGee's phone had yet to ring. He pulled out his phone and sent off a quick text to Abby. Grinning, he closed his phone, and turned his chair slightly to have a better view of McGee's face.

As if on cue, McGee's phone started ringing. Tim reached for the receiver, and when he lifted it, the whole phone lifted, and continued ringing.

"Seems your phone is a little stuck, Probie, " Tony said, laughing.

"Yes, Tony, real mature. What if the call was important?"

"Then they would have called Gibbs or me, " he replied smugly.

Tim didn't have a good response to that, so he just scoffed, and took the nail polish remover Gibbs was offering him.

Tony looked around the bullpen, Gibbs looked annoyed, Tim looked down-right pissed, and even Ziva seemed a bit annoyed at the distraction. _Who get's annoyed about being distracted by paper work?_

Before any or all of them could explode at him, Tony got up and made his way to the elevator.

"Just where do you think you are going, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked, a bit of an edge to his voice.

"Ducky wants to see me." Gibbs nodded at his response and Tony disappeared behind the elevator doors.

He intended to go to autopsy and talk to Ducky, but realized that would just make him face the emotions he was trying to run from. Hitting the call-cancel button he rerouted the elevator to the ground floor. _Just need some fresh air._

Tony made it outside, and turned right, heading to a little deli/bakery he knew a few miles away. He loved the place. Kate had hated it, no healthy tofu options, but he and Jeanne had often shared rushed meals there, as it was close to the university he was supposed to work for. He sat down at an outdoor table, thankful for the beautiful day, and smiled at the waitress who brought him a menu.

He looked at the menu, his eyes immediately going to Jeanne's favorite order. He really missed her. He knew he screwed up when he fell for her, but at the time, he didn't care. He had really loved her. He pulled out his wallet, and from the center fold pulled out a picture of himself and Jeanne he still carried with him.

"Maybe I should have chosen you," he said to her picture. "We could have had a life, not all of it was a lie, you know. Just my job, really…" _Or maybe I should have taken that promotion to Rota, gotten out of DC, avoided so many messes. Actually, I probably should have just quit after Baltimore. Should have realized I am an idiot, I couldn't even see that my own partner was dirty, that should have been a sign I would suck at this job. That I would hurt people, would get people killed. _

"I'm idiot, " he told her, as he slid the picture back in his wallet.

"Ya think, DiNozzo?"

Thirty minutes, then an hour passed and Tony had still not returned from his visit to Ducky. Gibbs stood up, "Going for coffee, " he stated as he made his way to the elevator.

"Oh, hello, Jethro, to what do I owe this visit? We don't have another case do we?

"No, Duck, no case, just looking for DiNozzo, thought he was down here talking to you."

"I did ask him to come see me at some point today, I was concerned as I got in around 5:30 this morning, and he had already been here awhile, and I actually startled him. Kate's sister being here has no doubt stirred up a lot of memories for Anthony, and I just wanted to check in the with lad. However, he has not yet been by."

"Thanks, Duck, " Gibbs said, already half way out the doors on his way to track down his wayward agent.

_Dammit, DiNozzo!_

On a hunch, he headed toward the deli he knew DiNozzo used to frequent. As approached the deli, he saw Tony sitting at a small table just outside the door, with his back to him. He appeared to be looking at a photo, lost in thought. Gibbs snuck up silently, just in time to here to hear the younger man mutter "I'm a idiot" in a ton more broken than Gibbs had ever heard from his second. He knew Tony would shut down and run if Gibbs acknowledged the vulnerability DiNozzo was clearly feeling. So he decided the best course of action was to go with normalcy.

"Ya think, DiNozzo?" he asked as he sat down across from his agent.

"Oh, Boss…what are you doing here?"

"Could ask you the same, DiNozzo, went down to autopsy, but you weren't there."

"Oh yeah, about that, I just needed some fresh air. Was starting to get a headache from all the paper work, " Tony half lied.

"Right. Well get back to it, Agent DiNozzo, and DO NOT wonder off like this on the clock again, or you will be riding desk duty for a week," Gibbs stated as he stood up and began walking back the way he came. He paused as he passed Tony's chair, giving his shoulder a small squeeze as he added, "And stop by autopsy on your way in, Ducky wants to speak with you.

"On it Boss, " Tony replied, following his boss back.

The walked back to NCIS together, and just as they were splitting ways at the elevator Gibbs put a firm hand on Tony's shoulder, forcing he younger man to look at him. Gibbs took in what he saw, not liking what he found he squeezed gently and stated, "My place tonight, cowboy steaks, you bring the beer." He walked away before the younger man could protest.

_Great, _Tony thought, _I need to find a way to get out of THAT now…_

Sighing, he walked off to autopsy to talk to Ducky.


	5. Chapter 4

A/N: Sorry if this seems to be going slowly, but in real life people don't fall into deep depressions quickly. It builds. And I want this to feel realistic. Next chapter will finally have some confrontation between Gibbs and Tony. He is tired now, so won't be able to hide it so well.

Also, sorry for the long delay. School/work got crazy busy. Already have a lot of the next chapter written though. So it will be much quicker. PLEASE R&R with constructive criticism

Chapter 4

"Anthony! So good to see you, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Ducky greeted Tony as he walked in the door.

"I should be asking you that, " Tony smirked, "you are the one who asked me to come here."

"Ah yes, of course. I just wanted to see how you are, Dr. Cranston being here certainly brought up a lot of memories for us all, " Ducky paused, studying the younger man's face for any clue as to what was going on in his head. Finding nothing but a blank mask he pushed a bit, "How are you, Tony?"

The use of his nickname from the older man, who almost always used his full name, combined with the gentleness and compassion in his voice almost knocked down the walls he had been constructing since figuring out who Dr. Cranston really was. "I'- I'm fine," Tony answered, hating how much he faltered in his answer. He continued, desperate to convince the older man that he really was fine, "yes, Rachel being here brought up a lot of memories about Kate and the way she…um….the way she died." _Damn, even after all these years, it is still hard to say it out loud. _"But, I am not particularly upset by it. But it was a long time ago, and if we helped give her sister some closure, then it was worth it. "

Tony didn't exactly lie to Ducky, he wasn't all that upset by Rachel's visit. He even liked the woman, liked the link to Kate. It wasn't the memories of Kate that were upsetting him, he hadn't lied at all about that. It was all his screw-ups. This was on HIM, absolutely NOT on his wonderful partner.

Ducky nodded, Tony had said all the right words, but something was off. He knew the younger man well, and knew that Tony was very good at not telling the truth while not actually lying. "Hmm, well, if you do need to talk, Anthony, I am always willing to listen…" Ducky patted younger man on the arm, "You best be getting back up to Jethro, don't want you to get in trouble on account of me."

Tony nodded his thanks to Ducky, and hurried back out of autopsy, praying they would get a case to take him out of his ever-darkening thoughts, and get him out of his obligation to Gibbs.

Exiting the elevator, Tony carefully slid his mask back into place. He could have no more slipups today, if he was going to successfully get Gibbs off his back. He rounded the corner to his desk just as Gibb's announced, "Grab your gear, got a dead Petty Officer".

_Thank God!_ Tony thought to himself, and instantly felt guilty. Here he was, thanking his lucky stars that someone was dead, just to get him out of his thoughts. _I really am a terrible person_, he added bitterly.

Carefully, making sure his mask was still in place, he grabbed his stuff, and made it into the elevator with his team just as the doors were closing. "Where to, Boss?"

Gibbs looked at Tony; the level of enthusiasm in his voice was at odds with the version of Tony he had left at the elevator not 15 minutes early. Tony seemed 100% himself. Gibbs was shocked at how well his agent could mask his emotions. Gibbs prided himself on being able to see through Tony's masks, but this time, even he couldn't. If he hadn't overheard Tony at the diner, and hadn't seen the look in his eyes when he invited him over that evening, he would never guess anything was wrong. That scared him more than he was willing to admit.

"Rock Creek Park. LEOs have already secured the scene," Gibbs replied gruffly.

They made quick work at the crime scene, taking photos, bagging evidence, and interviewing witnesses. They gained no real leads, and hoped that Abby would be able to turn up something in the forensics.

It was about 5pm by the time they made it back to NCIS. Tony immediately sat down at his desk, and started the required paperwork to open a new case. McGee went down to Abby's lab to drop off the forensic evidence, and to use some of her equipment to try to figure out the last few calls made from the dead guy's cell phone. It had been dropped in the mud, but McGee had seemed optimistic he could at least retrieve who the dead man had last called. Ziva also returned to her desk to research the last known address and next of kin, hopeful that someone would know who might want to kill Petty Officer Watson.

They worked in relative silence, broken only by the phone calls Ziva was making to the family and friends of Watson and McGee returning to the bullpen bringing pizza, each trying to piece together some lead. Abby had called to say her tests wouldn't be finished until the morning. Hanging up with Abby, Gibb's looked at the clock. "2200 hours, go home guys, there isn't much more we can do until we get Abby's results back in the morning. Get some sleep, going to be long day. See you back here at 0700. "

Ziva and McGee quickly packed up, eager to get one more night's sleep before diving into a new case with few leads. Tony, however, remained at his desk, studying the witness statements again; he had no desire to go home yet. He hated leaving a case with no progress, and did not relish the idea of returning to his empty apartment with nothing to distract him from his thoughts.

"Not a suggestion, DiNozzo," Gibbs said, glaring at his Senior Agent.

"In a bit, Boss, I feel like I am missing something in this witness statements. Someone had to have seen something useful," Tony replied, keeping his voice light.

"15 minutes, just until I get back. Gonna check in with Ducky about the autopsy."

Tony watched Gibbs get into the elevator, and then hurriedly shut down his computer; if he was going to get away from Gibbs for the night, now was his chance. _Plus, he did tell me to leave_, Tony reasoned. No way the boss could get mad at him for following directions.

Tony sighed in relief as the elevator doors closed behind him. He had managed to leave the building without running into Gibbs, and was happy to be on his way home. He was exhausted, and just wanted to get a good night's sleep before diving headfirst into this new case.

Ten minutes later Tony was unlocking the door to his apartment. He didn't even bother to turn on the lights as he made his way to the bedroom, barely taking the time to undress before setting his alarm, setting his phone on silent (barely registering the voice his head that sounded a lot like Gibbs telling him to never be unreachable), and collapsing on the bed. His last thought before sleep claimed him was a quick prayer that it would be a dreamless sleep.

Gibbs made his way back up to bullpen in exactly the 15 minutes he had promised Tony. As the elevator doors opened he mentally prepared himself for the inevitable fight with DiNozzo to get him to actually leave.

Gibbs made an uncharacteristic sound of surprise when he rounded the corner and saw that his senior field agent was already gone. "Avoiding me, Tony?" Gibbs asked the empty desk quietly. As long as DiNozzo was getting some much-needed rest, he could deal with the avoidance later.

Taking his agent's lead, Gibbs shut down his computer and made his way home for the night. His gut was telling him tomorrow was going to be a long day, but he wasn't sure if the cause was the case or one very special senior field agent.

_"Hurry up!" Tony heard Kate's voice calling out from somewhere ahead of him. He couldn't make her out through all the smoke._

_"I am trying!" Tony called back, "I had the PLAGUE remember? Smoke is definitely not helping."_

_He tried to pick up the pace in the direction he heard her voice, but his lungs were burning. _

_Suddenly he heard a scream, "Kate! Talk to me! What's wrong?" He yelled, picking up the pace, ignoring the burning sensation in his chest._

_He rounded the corner and entered a room, the door had apparently been closed, and there was not much smoke. He breathed deeply, thankful for the slight reprieve. As his vision cleared, he saw Kate standing in the middle of the room. "Kate , what's wrong? I heard you sc-"_

_He broke off as blood started to flow from a single bullet wound in her head. He started to run toward her, tearing off his jacket to try to use it to stop the blood. When he was just a fraction of an inch from her, she screamed again, "STOP! You did this to me!"_

_"And me, " Agent Paula Cassidy said, stepping out of the dark corner behind Kate._

_"And me," Jenny._

_"And me," Mom._

_"You fail at everything you do. You couldn't protect them, you couldn't do you JOB, and you let them all die. I am just as dead to you as them. Another screw up," Jeanne._

_"No," Tony tried to protest, but all words were lost on him, as the burning sensation in his chest alighted painfully. He couldn't breath, and was starting to panic._

_"This is what you deserve," they all said in unison._

_The room was on fire now, the head matching that of his chest. Just as he was about to light on fire –_

Tony awoke with a start, gasping for breath. He was wrapped up tightly in his mess of blankets, and was sweating profusely. Scrambling free, he made it to the toilet just as McGee's pizza made a second appearance. When he finished, he flushed the toilet, brushed his teeth, and turned the shower on cold, wanting to forget the blinding heat on his skin and lungs the nightmare had left behind.

After only a few minutes under the cold water, Tony was shivering. Not wanting to risk getting sick, he quickly got out of the shower and made his way to the bedroom. His bedside clock telling him it was not even 2am. _I guess two and a half hours of sleep is better than nothing._ Tony sighed, sitting on the edge of his bed.

_I really am a screw up_, he thought bitterly. Memories of the nightmare came flooding back to him. His mom, and the situation around her death, had not crossed his mind in a long time. He was only a kid, he hadn't known any better. She had asked him to pour her a "drink for the road", and he had. Pouring her 4 full fingers of vodka, just the way she liked it. He liked to please his mom. It was only noon, and it was the 3rd drink he had poured her since he woke up just after 9. She had been in an accident that day, driving while intoxicated. She had lived a few days in the hospital after the accident, but there had been no hope for recovery. The memories, the guilt, and the blame for her death all came back full force, as the memories stirred by the nightmare assaulted him. As he surfaced from the flashback, Tony was disgusted with himself as he realized he was crying.

"I am sorry, Mom," he said to his empty apartment. "I knew drinking and driving was bad, but you were always so happy when I made you your drinks perfectly. I just wanted to see you smile. You so rarely smiled."

It was another hour before he had regained enough composure to get up, and Tony decided he might as well go in to NCIS, get a head start on those witness statements again. He needed something to distract his mind.

He dressed quickly and gathered up his things, grabbing his badge and side arm off the table by the door on his way out. The gun felt heavy in his hand, and he paused to study it for a minute. _It would be so easy…_ Tony shook the thought from his mind with a violent shake of his head. He would NOT go there again. After Jenny's death while being Agent Afloat, he had spent many hours contemplating his gun. _I should have just done it then, but I was just too much of a coward to even do that right.._

"No!" Tony exclaimed out loud, putting a lot more confidence in the syllable than he felt. He holstered the offending object, and slammed the door behind him in frustration. He just wanted to get to NCIS and get his mind off of everything.


End file.
